The Women In My Life, Pt.4

The Reason Why I've Repeatedly Failed

To Discern The Distinction Between Pleasure And Pain, 
Two Fundamental Extremes Both Physical And Emotional
That Theoretically Should Rarely Overlap,
Yet Frequently Appear For Me As One And The Same,
Is A Direct Result Of My Mysterious and Detrimental Attraction
To Impossibly Complicated Women Like Fiona Apple
 Friday, September 07, 2012

Songstress Fiona Apple is the quintessential 'bird with a broken wing,' a lovely, complex, delicate and waif-like creature whose inner turmoil and insoluble contradictions not only underscore, but actually enhance the perfect beauty she brings to the world. Possessing both a remarkable talent and a graceful comeliness that mask the darker turbulence that brews within, she's a complicated and fascinating bundle of paradoxes; a woman who's simultaneously strong yet fragile, willful but apologetic, assertive yet uncertain, confident but insecure, absolute yet indecisive, creative and destructive all at the same time. Seemingly conflicted at every turn, Apple is a beguiling woman-child who by her own admission is an emotional "mess" that no one would dare want to "clean up," and therein resides what perhaps for me is her greatest attraction. Frequently alluding to "the beast within," the personal schisms that run through her intricate personality not only infuse her music with a brutal honesty and power that is unmatched, but also make her an irresistible study in the many complexities that can lay within the heart and mind of a woman.

To draw a comparison to Woody Allen whose stand-up of yore and whose films to follow often reflected the underlying doubt and apprehension that challenged his nebbish character's every move, there's a similar angst that likewise informs Apple's art. Allen was adept at channeling those phobias, real or otherwise into entertaining (and often charming) cinematic statements on the condition of the human heart and the perplexities that drive it. With Apple however, the neuroses are real. In facing her fears, she instead creates a open music that for all its faculty and candor can sometimes make for a very difficult listen. The difference here is that Allen's work becomes accessible because he's both a romantic and a sentimentalist who veils his character's fears with charm and humor, thereby making the darker undercurrent of his persona's psyche more palatable to us. Apple on the other hand is neither. Her music is her catharsis and to conceal the unease that runs through it would only betray its purpose. She simply lets it all hang out, reminding us that in reality, her pain is our pain, that her tortured and convoluted feelings are actually universal ones easily felt by anyone who has the courage to accept and embrace them. But unlike Allen, she makes few concessions in the name of entertainment or welcoming attainability. She writes solely for herself. It's a messy tangle to be sure, but Apple resigns herself by admitting that while hers may not be the best of modi operandi, it's one that at least works for her and no one ever promised it would be easy. The question then becomes something like this --- if she is admittedly an uncompromising train wreck, why then would anyone want to subject themselves to her art? Well if I were to continue with that metaphor, I would say that like witnessing a train wreck, the music she makes is so compelling that you can't steer your eyes (or ears) away from it, and this seems to be where the line is drawn between the two camps of thought surrounding Apple. Those who just don't get her unfairly dismiss the singer-songwriter as 35 miles of bad road --- a damaged woman who's simply bleeding all over the place. Those who do get her on the other hand regard her as a voice of naked emotional frankness and irresistible charm. Although it's not for me to say, she may very well be a little bit of both, but that's the very thing that's always made Apple (and other women like her) so magnetically seductive to me. Complex bundles of contradiction that challenge, frustrate and sometimes infuriate, but who also can compliment, satisfy and beguile.

Momentarily setting Joni Mitchell, Dory Previn and Lucinda Williams aside, there have been very few female music makers as consistently self confessional as Apple. Certainly Tori Amos, Alanis Morisette, Liz Phair, and PJ Harvey (to name a few of her contemporaries) have succeeded in locating emotional responses that weren't being articulated by other female songwriter's whose work might otherwise be considered as somewhat saucer-eyed. However, the first three have mostly moved on in the name of record sales leaving only PJ Harvey as a true peer to Apple. What Apple does share with them all however is their modern language, a language that effectively matches rage to articulacy. Yet in another demonstration of her contrarian nature, the singular thing that separates her from them is that there's an emotional openness to Apple that places her vulnerability before the swagger that this new generation of singer-songwriters seem to have in common. With her heart on her sleeve and barely containing the intense emotions and feelings that govern her, Apple is Randy Newman's 'Real Emotional Girl' personified, yet with a twist. She also happens to carry a very big stick. When I really think about it, not since Laura Nyro has there been a woman in the music business who's as seemingly impenetrable and delightfully mysterious (despite their self-disclosures) as the chanteuse in question. Much like Laura, she's "amorous, but out of reach." But although Apple might be the first to admit that she's a handful, the intoxicating combination of beauty, intelligence and talent that the two women have in common remains an alluring one to me.

However, to further complicate matters, songstress Fiona Apple also seems to spend a great amount of time in her head, a circumstance that has proven repeatedly to interfere with an individuals ability to ever successfully evolve into fully healthy and well-rounded beings. And I should know, I used to be one of them. Apple also seems to have disabled, or at least tampered with her edit button; a condition that can present many a awkward circumstance when not exercised with caution. It's actually a trait that I happen to admire in those who unwittingly possess it, as long as they apply it prudently, but they rarely do. In Apple's case however, it appears to be a rather brave and conscious choice despite it having created headlines for her on more than a few occasions. "I've acquired a quite a taste for well-made mistakes" she confides in 'A Mistake.' "All the advice I shunned and I ran where they told me not to run, so I'm gonna' fuck it up again. I'm gonna' do another detour and unpave my path. Why?" Well, the answer is because she feels she's "always doing what (she) think(s) (she) should. Almost always doing everybody good." Apple's a tenacious and possibly self-destructive one, and she certainly knows herself better than anyone might presume, but the beauty of her willfulness is that it also makes for stark, honest and unvarnished lyrical confessions with no apologies. Yet as another example of the contradictions that seem to run through her life and work, the musical arrangements that accompany those confessions frequently betray the unsparing virtue of her often angry disclosures. For hers is not a music that is built on volume, power chords and raging adrenalin, but rather it's intelligent and reflective, holding enough melody and pop sensibility to make it agreeable to a wider and perhaps more tolerant audience (which is perhaps her only concession to popular taste).

Fiona Apple is certainly a hard one to figure, but she's an intriguing woman and I like her. I enjoy her music and I admire her honesty and her vulnerability. And despite the confusion it brings me, I admire her intricacies as well. If I were 30 years younger, there's no doubt that Fiona Apple could easily replace my muse and the unobtainable object of my desire that was Nyro, but I'm beyond that now. Or am I really? Sure, today I'm a little older and I've been around the block a few more times, but I'm still just as confused as ever, particularly when it comes to the reason why I look to such women for the answers to the questions that continue to bewilder me. I'd simply like to one day understand just precisely what drives their mysterious and oh so complicated hearts. It's taken me a lifetime and I'm afraid I'm no closer to understanding than I was before. Before I go to my grave, I'd like to learn the answer. Help me, Fiona.

The Reason Why..., Vol.1

1) Anything We Want
2) Paper Bag
3) I Know
4) Fast As You Can
5) Oh Well
6) A Mistake
7) Please Please Please
8) Carrion
9) Valentine
10) Limp
11) Slow Like Honey
12) On The Bound
13) Better Version Of Me
14) Never Is A Promise

The Reason Why..., Vol.2

1) Sullen Girl
2) Get Him Back
3) Werewolf
4) Get Gone
5) Hot Knife
6) Red Red Red
7) Love Ridden
8) Every Single Night
9) To Your Love
10) Sleep To Dream
11) Shadowboxer
12) Pale September
13) Left Alone
14) Why Try To Change Me Now

Source material for 'The Reason Why..., Vols.1&2' comes from the following:

Tidal (1996)/When The Pawn... (1999)/Extraordinary Machine (2005)
The Best Is Yet To Come: The Music Of Cy Coleman (2009)
The Idler Wheel... (2012)